Okay there's been alot of shit going on between Kenny and I that I don't really want to discuss here but if you want to know then send me and iM, my AIM SN is on my userinfo. I'm just posting these to see if maybe he'll read them.
At first I thought you'd probably tear this up, but then I realized that maybe you’d like to hear what I have to say to you without us arguing. Be careful though, it may be hurtful, but it’s the truth.
First of all you asked me to have your child and it was kind of strange… I know you regret what happened before then. I loved you and I don’t know why I went through with Hayden’s pregnancy considering all the reasons… and of course as we are here today, I knew I was right.
So then I was pregnant, and honestly, I really don’t think you gave a damn about me. For example, leaving me around Halloween and then dating Christine. Also, when I lived in those two places you (not your uncle) never tried to financially support Hayden and I (even though it wasn’t really an obligation) and you still don’t work. Even with Hayden’s complications, it still didn’t seem like you cared. The only time I can honestly remember you doing something nice and that I loved was when you gave me that ring and even that died.
Fast forward to now. It seemed that you were content with the we were raising Hayden until suddenly I get a complaint for custody, in the mail and it’s like WTF?! If you wanted all of this stuff, we could have talked it over but why didn’t you want to? Then Tuesday night you and your mom totally set me up and why the hell would you do that if you want me to “be a parent”? One second you’re saying this then the next your mom is commanding you to take him out of my car and bring him inside so she can call the cops on me for doing nothing! And you know I left ‘cos every time that happens she makes me into the bad guy and I get in trouble for false allegations. Please stop drinking so we can actually have a meaningful conversation and not violent arguments. I really know that’s what you want except the not drinking part and I understand it’s tough to beat and I do admit to sometimes encouraging it by buying you drinks at like the bowling alley, but that’s so you can have fun and not be bored.
Another thing I wanted to say is that it seems like your mom totally controls you. She won’t let my dad talk to you and she even speaks for you like then with my dad and when she called Hayden out of daycare when we both know you’re fully capable of doing it yourself. You’re 23 years old without a job and/or education and why not? I know you want to. Please take control of your own life – I did many years ago.
I hope you are having fun with Hayden and I hope he’s enjoying his stay with you. You know how overwhelmed I can get with him and I thank you for being there almost all the time for me and we both know I was and am good to Hayden even though I did what you didn’t like and vice versa (for example, me giving him tastes/bites of junk food, you watching TV while playing). But besides these things and others, you and I both know we are great parents and Hayden loves us sooooooooo much. SO why deny him one of his favorite people and expect he and I not to mind and hurt? I really fucking miss him and I’m sure he misses me too, if he still even remembers me. ::cries::
I really want to apologize but what am I apologizing for? We both have done some pretty mean things to each other and I’m not asking for everything to be fine ‘cos if definitely isn’t but I want us to raise Hayden unrestrained and together so he can grow up to be a great person. I’ve suggested us going to counseling multiple times to try to work on our communication to be calmer and more efficient. We both know the communication is pretty bad between us, as you can see by this letter and previous ones ‘cos you don’t let me have a chance to say my opinions/thoughts/feelings on things.
Well, I hope you made it this far into reading, and I thank you for that. I hope you can understand my point of view and not think I am trying to “win you back” ‘cos I guess and you say it’s never going to happen again, so I will think of you now as my partner-in-parenting and I guess hopefully the feelings of love and “hate” will go away so we can focus on this partnership for the sake of Hayden ‘cos he’s all that matters now.
Never and Now,
It’s 11:30pm and I can’t sleep ‘cos all I want to do is cry. This is total bullshit and you’re always changing your mind and fucking christ man! All I am to you is a fucking surrogate egg donor (does that even make sense?)! Maybe I’ll carve the word donor in my leg right next to your initials but I’ll go to deep and bleed to death and of course that’s what you want ‘cos I aborted your children and I must go through the same “pain and suffering” you and they did right? ‘Cos you’re allowed to torment me ‘cos you had a bad life so you can take it out on me and that’s not fair and yeah I’m blaming you for this ‘cos I’m everyone else’s scapegoat (including yours obviously) so now it’s my turn. Seriously, are you fucking happy now?! ‘Cos if so, I would have never wanted you to be happy and more reason to agree that you lied about us and everyone’s talking shit about you and it’s making me feel like shit… it’s like why are you going to make everything worse and I still don’t even if I’m mad at you or not I’m just disappointed in myself for knowing something bad’s going to happen and going through with it anyway. Also, I keep writing to you ‘cos you can understand me and I’ll talk to my “friends” and they don’t really care expect Dana which is also why now I can never say I want a “normal life” ‘cos sitting around all day at the computer chain smoking and not doing anything is really “normal” right?! And of course I guess you can say it wasn’t normal before but I got used to it. I think I’d rather be a parent than be a bum though. And also what I don’t get is if annoy you sooo frickin’ much, then you should have talked to me about it instead of ignoring me. Maybe things wouldn’t gotten out of hand. Man, I just feel like the world’s stupidest person. Sorry for being one of the very few people in your life who actually cares about you. Some people want to say that’s why I’m a bitch, but I just realized that could be true. Example: I say something to you and you don’t like it or whatever. So you won’t respond and it’s like WTF?! Why can’t you just be honest with me? There’s nothing to be embarrassed about and if I get upset at least I won’t get mad and almost all the times we’d resolve whatever, but not when one of us is mad ‘cos obviously it just fucks shit up, big time. UGH!!!! WHY?!?!?! Looks, it just helps me deal. Sorry. Well, it’s 12:05am and I just don’t know. I want to go to sleep, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to. ::sigh::